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when there's so much at stake that we're to scared to try [03 Feb 2007|08:34pm]
School is school...I'm counting down the days until graduation, anxiously awaiting my release into the real world, and the time when I can go home and no longer be forced to drive into the lake effect snow and risk my life on a daily basis to teach the over priviledged youth of West Michigan. I miss being able to go out with my friends, given my new financial constraints as well as the whole need for sleep and time thing I rarely get to see them anymore. Maybe this will make it easier when I have to up an leave them all for good in three months. Three months...is that really all it is? Until almost all of the gang graduates and separates...when we will no longer have this bubble of closeness under which we've lived for the past four to six years of our lives depending on who it is you're talking to? That's practically forever that we've spent in each others business, in each others lives, and now we have to go away and be adults, and not go bowling with everyone on Tuesday night, not go to the club Thursdays and dance with the one guy that will go with us eight girls, not stay up until 4am at a house (apartment) party playing the dumbest games and having the most fun anyone could possibly have with a group of friends. Where will our lives take us?

Some days life just hands you a deck you aren't quite ready to play, other days you feel as though the world is smiling down and nothing can go wrong. I tend to have a lot of days that revolve around the former, yet I try and make the most and tell myself to live one day at a time. Sometimes you have friends that tell you the most amazing things...they assure you that you are wonderful and are someone that they can rely on and someone that makes their days a little more like the latter, and I wonder to myself if it is necessary for us to give away our good for someone else. Maybe that's why I have a little less good sometimes than others, because I give my happy to other people. But then I think of all the people who have to have given some of their happy to me, for all those amazing days I have, and I am so greatful fr each and everyone of them and each and every one of those moments, without which I might not be here today.

So there's my randomly introspective post. Hope all is well wth everyone...leave me some love :)
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[04 Sep 2006|04:02pm]
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The stars are alligned [24 Aug 2006|09:08pm]
The forces around you are driving you toward productive means right now -- so try not to fight the direction in which your life is taking you. You might not be happy about where you are in life right now, but you are on the right track. The good and the bad parts of life represent balance that you will always need, so working for perfection is a waste of your time. Accept things they way they are -- not because you don't deserve better, but because acceptance leads to peace.

So that was my horoscope today and it has led me to want to write yet another self-indulgent live journal update.  The summer this year felw by.  Camp was mainly stress free and I had a crazy amount of free time that allowed me to really make some good friends based on who I really am.  I'm very excited about starting over this year and dumping the dead weight that's been holding me down.  I feel as though I'm finally really ready to stop caring about things so much.  *EDIT* statement was unfair and I apologize*EDIT* I've dropped two sizes over the past 6 months or so and feel fantastic.  I went and bought new jeans today and felt better about myself than I had in almost a year.

I have been thinking too much about the past however.  Sometimes I wish I could jump back in time a year or so when I was happy and innocent and naive to the hurt that I've felt.  Then part of me wishes I could jump back even further and just erase everything, start over again and not be where I am today.  But I realize this is all futile, and then I go about my day pushing things away and trying to make room for newer and better things that better be coming for me lol.  I'll always miss the times when I always had something to do, somone to hang out with, and the like, but I know I need to try and refocus my energies onto something more rewarding and productive.  I guess more than anything I just miss having someone there, to talk to, whether it be important or about something completely asinine.  But such is life, and we all have to grow up sometime.

Much Love

p.s. I will always miss you, now and forever
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[26 Jul 2006|01:03pm]
Ahh the life of a camp counselor.  So it's been ages since I've updated I realize, Alex is forcing me to do so now lol.  So far this summer I met Bill Murray randomly at a minor league baseball game.  I have a kick ass job taking care of the worlds sweetest two little boys during the day and having every night off.  I've made loads of new friends including my new soul mate Ange who I would not survive without I don't think.  Today is pirate day.  I love camp.  So I'm rambling but
I don't care. My birthday was crazy madness, the bartenders not charging me for anything whoooooo  HAPPY 21ST AMANDA!!!!!!   Ok so yeah crappy update but I
 have to give the computer up now so ttfn! 
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[28 Jun 2006|08:08am]
Not only did I meet Bill Murray last night...THE Bill Murray of Ghostbusters fame, but we got him to shake his booty with us....more to come :)
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I'm the Juggernaut Bitch! [26 May 2006|11:00pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Going to the wedding tomorrow, oh joy of joys we all know how much I love weddings...not...and now there's even worse memories attatched to them, but we won't go there.  I still need to see if my dress will fit, and my mom literally just left to go to Meijer to get me glue to fix my shoes.  Grrr....then Sunday we're all going to Kalkaska to spread my grandparents ashes, 4 hours to get there, spend two hours, four hours to drive home....whooo....I got my hair cut today...tons of peope complemented my color lol.  Sara even marked me down on her rotation sheet so I got it done FOR FREE whooo!  Bought new shoes and a watch for camp, a new shirt and tried the coke Blak (enjoyable) but yeah so that's that.  I miss you guys...I miss my friends....I miss a lot of things right now....til another time.....
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[26 May 2006|12:26am]
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[24 May 2006|10:34pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

On a random note THANK GOD Taylor won American Idol now I'm gonna go continue to sit around on my ass by myself doing nothing cause oh yeah I got blown off AGAIN

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boredom strikes again [23 May 2006|04:59pm]
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For the want of a nail [19 May 2006|03:49pm]
Talk about lack of updates kids...Kristi I point at you lol

Not a whole lot of stuff in my life at the moment...been having a string of random dreams that revolve around an obsession with hand holding, and I wake up kinda messed up.  huh....Yesterday I went driving for about n hour with Mary and Michelle...I'm getting there guys I swear.  Called Kirsten and luckily she was free last night and the four of us hit up the Lockerroom.  Kinda strange on a weekday, not quite as packed but still fun.  Opie was our server, and I am now three for three on getting my server's real names and numbers lol (James Ryan...even got his middle name lol) He was sweet, and he played around a lot, did "magic", bought us shooters...he moved above hansel on my list but Frogger will forever be my man lol  Got a bunch of random guys at the bar to kiss me whoooo up to 31 points now!!! Score!!!  Might head back for the HS reunionish party Saturday...hope Kirsten can make it again :)  Enjoyed watching her kick the blonde chick's ass dancing ahhh well....tonight will most likely be me trying to be productive given that my two main friends in the area have plans lol Hope all is well everyone...leave me some love cause you know I love all of you *muah*
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2 for the price of one [13 May 2006|01:04pm]
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if the birds are upside down, you're drunk and on the ground [10 May 2006|01:44pm]
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[10 May 2006|12:08pm]
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...nothing really matters... [06 May 2006|08:21pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

So here's an update from me....ish...because Kristi told me to...and sorta Liesbeth too :)

I'm home. Which is good and bad. This is the first time in a long long time I've actually wanted to be home, I thought I would feel better here, but so far it's sort of made me worse. I'm regressing into who I used to be, closed off, no friends, no self confidence, believing I'm useless. My mom wants me to start seeing someone, as in therapist-ish, cause she's worried about me, but that of course costs money we don't have. We're actually a lot worse off than I thought we were, and there's a whole lot of problems with my financial aid at the moment and is leaving my last year of school hanging in the balance. Without the MET anymore to keep me through, it's gonna be a rough last year. I've been feeling more lonely lately than I ever have, and I just sort of want to start over. I'm apprehensive of going back into the camp bubble cause I'm worried when I come out, my problems will just be worse. But enough sadness for now....

I've seen a whole bunch of movies lately. I recommend American DreamZ and Thank You for Smoking. I do not however recommend Stick it or Silent Hill (and if anyone who has seen this movie could explain the ending to me, it would be much appreciated). If anyone in the Heights area wants to hang, let me know...I don't think all this time sitting in my house is doing me much good. Grades turned out ok...not great but definately ok...my cooperating teacher seems like she's gonna be a blast to work with, and if anyone also in the heights area is willing to take me driving...we can take my mom's car if you're afraid of me crashing yours, I just need someone other than my parents in the car with me...I've got one month to get my licsense so it's crunch time. Anyways that's all from me for now...miss you...

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What a girl wants... [06 Apr 2006|09:05pm]
I want that all-consuming, I-don't-know-why-I-love- you-but-I-can't-get-enough-yet-I can't take-anymore- because-it's-bliss-and-it's-agony-because-it's-almost- too-much. I want that Hallmark bullshit. I want to know someone's every flaw, and love them all the more for each and every one. I want to run off for quickies because we simply can't keep our damn hands off of each other, and I want slow, languorous nights where words are never, could never be enough, and each movement is filled with enough meaning to fill an infinity of tomes. I want surreptitious touches, for others to act as though they're physically ill because we're so damn cute and sweet and they'd KILL just to know a second of it. Of what we have. If my love dies before me, I want to feel as though half of me has been cruelly ripped off, and if I die first, I want them to feel the same way. I want someone who is as in love with me as I am with them. I want someone who knows me inside and out, but never gets tired of me. Because I would never get tired of them.

....I'm off for a long time now *peace y'alls it's been real...too real*
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Do you remember the time... [31 Mar 2006|06:48pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

So wow an actual update from me...sort of....I just finished my gospel choir concert and it went really well. My solo/duet with David went really well, he's a cool guy I hadn't gotten the opportunity to know really before it so that was cool. It was a little weird in the beginning though cause I thought back to last year at this time. I lookd up and to the left and half expected to see you sitting there by yourself grinning again...it made me realize how much I really wish I still had my friend...

Had lunch/ran around with Gina this morning. I love her actually, she always makes me feel like my presence is wanted, and she makes my insane brain seem less crazy! Getting close to finals and that type madness....more bad memories...grrr....whatevs I can't wait actually to go home for once...that never happens...and now I'll leave you with some more elipses....

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19 Ways to keep a girl [30 Mar 2006|01:13am]
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[29 Mar 2006|06:31pm]
[ mood | chipper ]


1. male friend: Alex?
2. female friend: Mary
3. Vacation: San Diego
5. memory: A weekend last May
6. Sex: Well there's only been one so I don't have much frame of reference
7. Kiss: hahah I'm a self proclaimed kissing whore so that's tough....but honestly it was probably Ben


1. Time of day: morning
2. Day of the week: Mondays are always the worst
3. Food: Mushrooms
4. Memory: House burning down
5. Boyfriend or girlfriend: Again only one to reference


1. Person u saw: My roomies Kristi and Dee
2. Talk on the phone: Telemarketer lady
3. Hugged: Amanda?
4. Text Messaged: n/a
5: IM: Nichole


1. Kiss: hahah First grade
2. Serious b/f or g/f: Ben
3. Car: n/a
4. First school: Collins ELE in Sterling Hts.
5. Job: CSC or as I call it the Devil
6. Drunk Experience: hmmm...not sure


1. What are you doing now: this
2. Tonight: gosel choir rehearsal
3. Wearing: Camp Echo hoodie and Jeans
4. What did you eat for lunch: pizza
5: Better than yesterday: eh each day is a day in and of itself


2. Got any plans: School, movie perhaps?
3. Goal for tomorrow: Be happy
4. Dislikes about tomorrow: class
5. Do you have to work: no


1. Number: 42
2. Song: currently "Stronger" Britney
3. Color: blue
4. Season: fall
5. State: California

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why am i awake [26 Mar 2006|09:59am]
By all intents and purposes I should not be awake but here I am.

.........21 of My Firsts............

1.Who was your first prom date? Billy French

2. Who was your first roommate? Emily

3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk the first time? Captain

4. What was your first job? Cruis'News

5. What was your first car?...

6. When did you go to your first funeral? High school

7. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown? 18

8. Who was your first grade teacher? Mrs. Touchette

9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? Florida

10. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with? I haven't

11. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them? Mike Maceroni...and no

12. Where was your first sleepover? Jaclyn Smith's house

13. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day? Depends on the degree of bad...Emily probably

14. Who's wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen? Jonathan Brandis ;)

15. What is the first thing you do in the morning? Look at the time

16. What was the first concert you ever went to? Sharon, Lois and Brahm

17. First tattoo or piercing? none thank you

18. First celebrity crush? Joey McIntyre from New Kids on the Block

19. Age of first real kiss? too old

20. First crush? Ben Kelly

21. First love? The one who broke my heart
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[18 Mar 2006|12:00am]
Click here.
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